By Jeff Owens, CSP, CTM, CVP
Conflict is inevitable, but chaos doesn’t have to be.
This guide provides practical strategies drawn from real-world experiences in high-stakes crisis situations, and they are equally useful in calming less intense situations. By using the power of respect, gaining knowledge, and utilizing specific communication strategies, conflicts are less likely to arise — and those that do can be dealt with more effectively.
That said, there are no magic words or strategies that work with all people, all of the time. There are some people who are going to be difficult no matter what, and some who are dysfunctional. The concepts can still be helpful, but in those situations it may be best to withdraw from the interaction and evaluate your best options to deal safely with the encounter.
General Safety Concept
Our focus here is on managing verbal conflict. If physical violence is imminent or occurring, I suggest the following as a guideline:
GET AWAY! If you are in a condition of threat or danger, the intelligent thing to do is to remove yourself from imminent harm.
GET SAFE! Move to a condition of safety from which you can more effectively deal with the person and situation.
GET HELP! Summon appropriate help to assist in dealing with the person or situation in a manner that reduces the risk of harm to all concerned.
A Foundational Concept
I respect the fact that every one of you have a lifetime of experience in your personal and professional lives in dealing with difficult, challenging, hostile, and aggressive people. For some of you the information I’m going to share may be an affirmation of what you already know and do, or maybe it will be a different perspective, or a reminder of something you forgot. Perhaps some of the information will be new, and you will find it useful to add to your current “toolbox” for dealing with conflict.
Think of the information we’ll talk about as concepts, not absolutes. When it comes to human behavior, there are few absolutes, as nothing works with all people all the time. Absolutes for the most part act as barriers, restrictions, and limitations. While there is a place for absolutes when it comes to safety, regulatory requirements, enforcement of standards and similar, absolutes generally restrict and limit options. Concepts, though, are without firm boundaries and can be adapted to the situation of the moment.
Think of the concepts we’ll talk about as tools in your “dealing with people” toolbox. The right tool, either alone or in combination with other tools, makes a job easier — and the concept-tools we’ll be assimilating can help make dealing with difficult, aggressive, and verbally violent people less stressful and safer.
As a police officer, hostage negotiator, division commander, and business executive, I’ve been involved in conflicts where emotions have run high and cooperation seemed impossible. I learned from real-world experience, ranging from simply confused or unhappy people to life-or-death crises, how the presence of respect — or the lack of it — in an encounter influences outcome.
Through these experiences, the transformative power of respect for self, others, and situations became the foundation for practical strategies to influence others and resolve conflicts. These strategies include understanding perspectives, self-control, and intentional communication.
The single most effective way to reduce the risk of negative conflict, and to deal with it effectively when it occurs, is to embrace the personal value of respect — and, for those in leadership positions, to create an organizational culture of respect.
This is not some abstract ideal; it is a practical, streetwise strategy proven by real-world experience to reduce the risk of negative conflict and to handle it effectively when it does occur.
The Value of Respect: Learned from Real-World Experience
Let’s start with why respect is so essential as the foundation for influence in verbally aggressive conflict situations, because ultimately, effective de-escalation and conflict resolution is all about influence. I say this with a great deal of confidence in its accuracy and importance.
I was called out to respond as a negotiator where a man had randomly fired a pistol at people and was now in a barricade situation. Not having formal training at that time, I made the mistake of walking directly up to that person to talk, and he pulled the gun and pointed it at me from just a few feet away, yelling, calling me names, insulting, and disrespecting me. What did I want to do? The same thing you want to do when someone is rude, insulting, and disrespecting you!
I wanted to return the disrespect and anger he was subjecting me to, to tell him off and put him in his place. But I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to — but because I knew that if I returned the anger, insult, and disrespect he was showing me, he would pull the trigger.
Instead, I spoke calmly and respectfully to him. I really didn’t have any other choice. I didn’t plead, beg, or grovel; I had too much respect for myself to do that. Instead, I maintained my composure and told him I wanted to understand the situation. I asked him questions as to what caused his actions, what he was feeling, and how the situation came about.
Then, I sincerely listened. Most of what he said made little sense — he was venting anger, hurt, and frustration. Most of it made no sense to me at all, but it was very real and important to him.
After a while he gradually calmed down, put the gun down, and we were able to take him into custody with no one getting hurt.
After everything was done and I was alone, the reality that I had almost died hit me hard. This was a life-changing situation, and I needed to understand what happened.
I kept asking myself: Why didn’t he pull the trigger? What did I do that caused him to stop being aggressive and threatening, and become cooperative and compliant?
After a lot of thought, I realized it was not what I had done that saved my life — it was what I did not do.
I did not return the anger, frustration, insults, and disrespect that he was giving me. Instead, I spoke and treated him with respect. At the time it wasn’t my intention to show respect. I just knew that if I made him more upset, he’d pull the trigger.
In fact I was angry at him for his disrespectful behavior towards me and for putting me at risk, and while I wasn’t consciously aware of it at the time, I was in fear. Awareness of that came later. Not only that, the normal human response of fight or flight when under threat was short-circuited because I couldn’t do either of those, so that was extremely stressful.
So, I did the only thing I could think of at that moment: I talked with him and asked questions.
And something profound happened. By not acknowledging the verbal attack, not defending against the insults, and instead asking information-seeking questions and sincerely listening, I was treating him with respect. I really didn’t know that at the time, but that was what it was.
Respect can be shown and perceived in many ways, and in this case by asking questions and actively listening, it signaled that I accepted that his grievances were real and important to him, even if they were not to me. That was perceived by him to be showing respect.
Slowly, a little at a time, he started to return the respect. It came in the form of lowering the volume of his voice, his tone became less aggressive, his expression of anger and fear started to relax, his eye contact became less intense, more normal, his muscles became less tense, and his breathing slowed. We were building a relationship of trust in the moment. I had unintentionally put into effect a powerful concept:
Respect de-escalates; disrespect escalates.
The Trinity of Respect©
I later figured out what I had done. I respected myself, I respected him, and I respected the situation.
I’m sure it was not conscious on his part, and I certainly wasn’t aware at the time of what was happening, but we gradually shifted the relationship from adversarial to allies seeking a mutually agreeable outcome. Neither one of us wanted to be in this situation, just as most often people in conflict situations really would like an agreeable way out.
As I sought understanding, I thought about the many other incidents of conflict in my life and realized that when respect was present things generally went better, and when absent, things invariably went worse, or at best stayed status quo. I realized that respect could be a powerful tool for dealing with people in all situations — and from that came The Trinity of Respect™.
Respect for Yourself
Respect yourself enough to treat others with respect. Acting with respect towards others is an act of self-respect. It is a demonstration of your self-control, your character, and your understanding that others may have a different perspective. You know that you have a right to be treated with dignity and respect by others, and you also understand that if they don’t, it is an indicator of their ability to deal with conflict, not a measure of your worth.
Respect for Others
Be mindful of the impact your statements, actions, and behaviors have on others. Be open-minded to the possibility that a viewpoint different from yours might be just that — different, not wrong — and honestly examining the difference may reveal information you didn’t previously have, calm the encounter, and help bring about a collaboration that results in better solutions.
Consider whether there may be motivating and inhibiting factors that influence their statements, actions, and behaviors that you are unaware of, or perhaps they perceive you don’t take their concerns or position seriously.
Respect for the Situation
Respecting the situation means that you are attentive to the totality of the circumstances in which the interaction is taking place and adapt accordingly. This may include being aware of the immediate risks to yourself and others, the impact and influence of the situation on other people, the levels of authority of yourself and others involved, the emotionality of the parties involved (including yourself), and urgency or lack thereof to manage the encounter. If you’re in a leadership role, you understand your obligation to model the behaviors you want from others and ensure compliance with standards of the organization that must be adhered to and enforced.
How Can the Three Elements be Applied in a Conflict Situation?
Respect yourself by not becoming emotionally invested. Respect that the other’s perspective of the moment is driving their behavior, even if we don’t agree with it. Respect the situation and adapt accordingly, with awareness that it is one they don’t want to be in. By helping the other person find a “face-saving” way out, we can calm the conflict. If you’re in a leadership position and intervening in conflict between others, be aware both have probably succumbed to emotions, and both will need to be given an exit that respects their dignity.
The Power of Respect in Action: Never allow yourself or anyone under your authority to embarrass, humiliate, or attack the dignity of anyone, even when they are attacking your dignity, attempting to humiliate, or embarrass you. (Anyone includes yourself.)
This is a powerful concept for dealing with conflict on a personal level, as well as a leader addressing conflict between others. Simply put, deal with the behavior, statements, and actions in a way that does not embarrass, humiliate, or attack the dignity of the person.
You don’t need to have been a police officer or hostage negotiator. We all have experienced conflict in our lives, perhaps even extreme conflict, and in those situations one of two things happened: it went better, or it got worse.
When you think back, you too will see that the common denominator is that when respect was present in the interaction, things generally went better — and when it was absent, it almost certainly got worse.
The reality is that when someone is treated with respect, even in demanding situations, they tend to be less difficult to deal with. Will this concept work 100 percent of the time with 100 percent of the people? No, but it will work most of the time with most people.
Why Do People Engage in Conflict Behaviors?
There are numerous reasons why people become challenging, hostile, or aggressive. That said, when the layers of all the other reasons are peeled away, at the core is the why behind the why.
Sometimes disagreement is simply differing viewpoints, approaches, understanding, or preferences, and we can address it at that level. But when things get more intense it can be helpful to understand where the intensity of the conflict comes from.
The primary cause of interpersonal conflict and aggression is FEAR.
When stress (fear) overcomes a person’s normal coping ability, one possible response is for the person to become challenging, hostile, or aggressive.
The fear we’re talking about here is not of physical harm, although that can sometimes provoke defensive aggression. What we’re talking about is a deeper, usually subconscious fear — one rooted in a sense of loss of control and the potential for embarrassment, disrespect, or irrelevance. Essentially, it’s an existential fear of loss of meaning.
This is not a logical thought process but an emotional response: a sense they are being disrespected, or not being taken seriously, that barriers are being raised to achieving their goals, or feeling that a demand is being made to justify themselves and defend their position.
At a deeper level, this is a fear that their character, legitimacy, and meaning is being attacked. This is why our fundamental concept of treating people with respect is so important. Respect acknowledges individual importance, reduces stress, and lowers the risk of aggressive behavior.
When a person feels their concerns, relevance, and need to be heard are disregarded, it can trigger a profound sense of being devalued. This experience of exclusion or lack of control over their own influence may be interpreted as being discounted as a person. In an emotionally driven response they may react with aggression in an attempt to reclaim control, affirm their standing, and assert their existence.
By intentionally applying The Power of Respect™, we acknowledge the person’s value, reduce their stress and fear, and create a relationship where aggression and conflict are less likely to escalate. Respect not only diffuses tension, but it also serves the fundamental human need to feel seen, heard, and valued — to have a sense of control in our own lives.
Intentional Communication
Communication, in its simplest definition, is the act of sending and receiving messages. We communicate all the time, but more often than not it is without in-depth awareness of the strategic use of communication to influence others to achieve desired outcomes. In other words, we lack intentional structure of communication for a defined purpose.
Our ability to use intentional communication to increase our influence with others is one of the most valuable skills we can develop. Intentional communication can build a relationship of trust, provide clarity, reduce confusion, de-escalate hostile encounters, and enhance leadership.
Using intentional communication includes thinking about not just the words used, although they are important, but also all of the other elements that influence the perception of the person receiving the message. Words are powerful and can ignite a conflict or diffuse it. Be aware also of what you’re signaling by your facial expression, eye contact, body posture, volume, and tone of your voice, because those are powerful messengers that can support or contradict what you’re saying.
Since communication is a two-way flow of information, paying attention to how the other person communicates to us can give valuable insight into their state of mind and how best to interact with them.
Essential Rule of Intentional Communication: Don’t allow yourself to display anger, use profanity or insults, or to speak disrespectfully — even if they are angry, rude, insulting, or disrespectful of you.
Sometimes, especially when the other person is confrontational, we reflect back to them the same style of verbal attack. We let our emotions take over rather than consciously model the behavior and communication style we want them to change to. Becoming self-aware of the impact of our communication can help us increase our influence when dealing with people.
The Art of Self-Control: Respect Yourself
A reality of conflict resolution is that you cannot de-escalate someone else if you are escalated. In tense situations, emotions can cloud judgment and derail intentional communication. Composure isn’t just about controlling emotions; it’s about retaining self-control and clarity so you can influence the interaction in a positive way.
There are only two things in this universe that you can control — your own thoughts and your own actions, and your actions are controlled by your thoughts. Everything else is influence.
Awareness of this brings the realization that no one can make you angry or upset unless you allow them to influence your thinking. Similarly, while you cannot control another person, you can use empathy to understand their perspective and influence them to be less confrontational and more cooperative.
Actionable Steps to Manage Your Emotions
Don’t take it personally. Keep in mind it is the situation, the rule, the compliance matter, the process, or projected outcome that has upset them, not you as a person. They can’t yell at a rule or standard or situation, so they take it out on you.
Pause and think intentionally. Recognize when emotions are influencing you and reclaim your power by conscious refusal to allow the other person to influence your emotions. Shift your focus back to the issue, not the person’s verbal attack.
Reframe the relationship. View the other person not as a “problem” or adversary, but as a collaborator who is unaware of where their focus should be. Your role is to guide them towards cooperative problem solving, not to address character or personality.
Still, we are human and sometimes we do get upset and angry with someone who is confrontational or aggressive. Consider asking yourself:
“Is this person SO important in my life that I am willing to give them control of my thoughts and emotions? Because if I allow them to influence me to get upset, that is exactly what I am doing.”
Influence Others to Gain Control
We cannot control anyone other than ourselves, but since we can control our own thoughts and actions we can use that to influence others to gain their own self-control. Here is the concept:
You must be in control to give control, to share control, to stay in control.©
“Out of control” is actually an accurate description of not just a person’s behavior but the underlying cause: a deep-seated need to have a sense of control. The idea is to use your own self-control to guide them to feel they have control of themselves, helping them become calmer and less difficult.
Maintain your self-control and intentional thought so you can leverage or create opportunities for the other person to make decisions, especially about things that don’t significantly impact the outcome you are trying to achieve. Use the magic of questions to do this. By asking strategic questions that allow them to make choices, we can help them acquire a sense that they have control over outcomes.
For example, you might say: “There’s a lot of people here causing distraction and I really do want to understand your position; would you like to step over there where it’s quieter?” Or: “I’d like to make sure I’m clear on the issue — what do you suggest as the best way we can achieve that?”
The subliminal message is that we are not trying to take control away from them. In fact, we are sharing control because we respect them and their contribution to the decision-making process.
Understanding Perspectives: Empathy, the Gateway to De-escalation
When conflict arises, it’s easy to get caught up in our own emotions and viewpoints. But the other person is doing the exact same thing. They assume you understand their perspective just as you expect them to understand yours. The problem is you don’t have each other’s perspective.
A fundamental truth I learned as a crisis negotiator is that behavior is driven by a person’s perception of reality. Perceptions are shaped by circumstances of the moment, life experiences, culture, and other factors which differ widely from one person to another. What might seem trivial or unreasonable to you might feel critically important and reasonable to another person.
Understanding the motivators and inhibitors of a person’s behavior gives us empathy — a powerful tool for connection and conflict resolution. To gain that empathy we can use the triad of:
WHY informs WHAT, which empowers HOW to address the WHY.
There is always a reason for people’s behavior, our own and others. If we can understand the true “why” of a person’s behavior, that can inform us of the underlying “what” — the actual issue and influencing factors — so we can formulate “how” to address the true “why.” As a note, there is very often a “why behind the why.” Seek to find that.
Empathy Is Not Sympathy
Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is feeling the same, or agreeing with, or justifying the other person’s behaviors. Empathy is understanding the motivators and inhibitors of the other person’s behaviors. It’s a significant difference.
Empathy can help us create a relationship of trust in the moment. Understand that empathy does not mean that you have to agree with the other person, nor does a relationship of trust mean you have to like one another. The concept for this is:
It’s okay to disagree. It’s okay to dislike. But it’s never okay to disrespect.
Six Tools for Empathetic Communication
1. Ask Information-Seeking Questions. Understanding what is driving someone’s behavior provides valuable context and helps you address the underlying issues rather than reacting to what appears on the surface.
2. Frame Your Responses to be Non-judgmental. Use neutral, respectful language. Instead of saying “You’re wrong” or “You don’t understand,” try “That’s a different perspective; help me understand it” or “Let’s review the facts together to clarify.”
3. Be Genuinely Curious. Engage with a sincere intent to understand their concerns and perspective. Avoid direct “why” questions, as they tend to put people on the defense. Instead, ask indirect questions like: “Can you help me understand what your primary concern in this is?” or “How can we best identify the main issue to work on?”
4. Empower Collaboration. Encourage constructive engagement by asking questions like: “What solutions do you think could work for everyone involved?” or “How do you see us accomplishing that?” Information-seeking questions create an alliance approach that shifts the focus from blame to finding solutions.
5. Respect Their Feelings. You don’t have to agree with their point of view to acknowledge it’s important to them. Saying something like “I can hear that this is important to you” or “I can see you feel strongly about this” shows empathy without conceding your stance.
6. Shift the Focus. Reframe the conversation from “me versus you” to “us versus the problem.” Use depersonalized language — instead of “my,” “me,” or “I,” refer to the policy, rule, or standard. Instead of “you,” refer to “everyone” or “no one” who is subject to the same requirement. Neutral language shifts the focus off individuals and onto issues.
Don’t Defend Against Verbal Attacks
When people are upset, angry, or frustrated, they often resort to personal insults, blame, and accusations. When faced with verbal attacks, false accusations, or untrue statements, it’s normal to want to defend ourselves. However, this rarely produces positive results and usually makes the situation worse. Here’s why:
It shifts the focus. When you defend yourself, the conversation moves from addressing the actual issue to justifying your actions. The focus is no longer on the issue at hand; it becomes a win/lose you-versus-them debate. If you are defending, the other person can control the interaction by continually making accusations and demands for explanations.
It gives credibility to the attack. Responding defensively can make false accusations seem like they are worth debating. In the view of others, it might appear that since you’re defending, there is substance to the claims.
It doesn’t change the other person’s mind. People who resort to personal attacks are acting emotionally, not rationally. They are unlikely to be swayed by logical explanations in the heat of the moment. Instead, they may interpret your defensive response as confirmation of their accusations.
What Can You Do Instead?
You can redirect the conversation by staying calm and not responding emotionally. Your goal is to focus back on the core issue, not attitudes, personalities, or character.
Don’t challenge them to prove their statements. Asking someone to justify their claims puts them on the defensive, shifts the focus onto credibility and character, and escalates the confrontation.
Validate emotions, not behavior. When they are clearly upset, you can acknowledge their emotional statements without validating their accusations or behavior. You might say: “It appears there may be some misperceptions. If you can help me understand where the information came from, I’ll try my best to see if they are accurate or not.”
If they make personal comments: “That’s not really relevant; let’s focus on the main concerns.”
If they are insulting or accuse you of incompetence: “Let’s focus on addressing the issue and how we can work together to find a solution.”
When correction is necessary, focus on facts rather than emotions. Lay out a framework where each side has an equal opportunity to state their position without interruption. Stick to facts and don’t overexplain. If they interrupt you, calmly pause, ask them politely to let you finish, and let them know they will have an opportunity to respond.
If they continue to interrupt, it may be best to stop the discussion entirely and let them know you are open to continuing when you can both hear each other out without interruption.
A final note: When the other person is upset, angry, loud, and belligerent, do not tell them to “calm down.” This will almost certainly make things worse. They believe they are justified in their emotions and behavior, and your instruction to “calm down” is arrogant, dismissive, and controlling.
Instead, remain calm, listen without responding, and when they have stopped venting, say something like: “I can appreciate your feelings and I want to work with you on this, but when your voice is loud and strong it’s difficult to focus and fully understand your concerns and the best way to work together. Can we slow things down a bit and talk this through?”
The Power of Respect: A Transformational Tool
Our focus on the practical and intentional use of respect to deal with conflict situations comes from real-world experience. As a police officer, hostage negotiator, and business leader, I’ve seen how disrespect can turn a simple misunderstanding into a dangerous confrontation — escalating emotions, severing trust, and destroying relationships and damaging business operations. I’ve also seen where in moments of anger, fear, and hostility, respect can calm people and lead to peaceful and beneficial outcomes.
By understanding the “why,” “what,” and “how” of behaviors, staying in control of our own thoughts, and using empathy and intentional communication, we can create relationships of trust and influence others to work cooperatively toward desired outcomes.
Conflict doesn’t have to be destructive. In fact, it can be a catalyst for building a more harmonious and respectful relationship and finding better solutions to challenging situations. Understanding perspectives, mastering self-control, and communicating intentionally together lay the foundation for empathy, collaboration, and cooperation — and in transforming chaos to calm.
About Jeff Owens, CSP, CTM, CVP
Jeff Owens is a Human Interaction Expert, former hostage negotiator, keynote speaker, trainer, and executive advisor — and President of Transcend Inc. He is an inductee of the Hawaii Speakers Hall of Fame and the Virtual Speakers Hall of Fame, and has been named Hawaii’s “Top Cop.”
Office: +1 (808) 367-3210 Mobile: +1 (808) 722-5311 Email: Info@TranscendRM.com
© 2025 Jeffrey Owens. All rights reserved. Content may not be reproduced, distributed, or adapted without express written permission.